I have sat through thousands of screenings, finished Gigli, survived Catwoman and stayed the course on the Sex Lives of the Potato Men even after the fish-paste sandwich thing, but I had to walk out of Sucker Punch.
About an hour in? Who knows; it felt like five. My buddy Mike wanted to go after 20 minutes in – I now agree.
It wasn’t tedium (though every frame was so terrifically dull). It wasn’t shame (I’ve worked on a Steven Seagal). It wasn’t old fartdom catching up with me (I loved Kick Ass, I liked Scott Pilgrim).
No, it was like standing over someone’s shoulder in HMV watching them play a first-person shooter on a playstation. Then throw in some drag queens. Then throw in some guys trying to act like Dick Tracy. Hang on, this sounds too good.
Sucker Punch is like a group of 13 year old Halo addicts devising a school play. Then having it re-written by their 50 year old uncle while he rubs his thighs and declares love for Avril Lavigne.
It has a sticky quality. It has a Showgirls quality, a bit of Burlesque, a bit of Coyote Ugly. Yet it is also a 12a. It has attractive actresses standing around in their undies, yet they may as well be Alan Shearer creosoting his fence.
Talking of that, who are they selling this movie too? Figurines include: a blonde called Babydoll, a brunette, an Asian, all prancing around in slightly 12a-ified Anne Summer’s gear. I don’t want to say they look like drag queens but. Stand up the men who asked them to wear those clothes and say those stupid things.
14 year old boys have needs? Fine, let them play a video game and find succour on the internet, there is no need to get Abbie Cornish involved.
Nazi Zombies. Medieval sprites with massive swords. Oh look there Scott Glen reading his lines. Fuck me, he must be hard up. I think I am actually losing it.
Zach Snyder, you made 300 and Watchmen, thank you for those. Maybe take some time out and stay away from Akira please.
I go into every new movie hoping it will be good, hoping it won’t be Sucker Punch. Please don’t make me review it, I can’t anyway I ruled myself out by walking. Don’t make me say any more, I need to do the washing up and take out the recycling.
Sorry Mike.
-
jwaughphoto liked this
-
industrialfire liked this
-
johnnymessias posted this
